The Absurd Life

Summer Plans

2007-06-01T22:20:38Z

So...For all of you who are confused as to what my living situation will be this summer:

I'm back in Naperville for a week. I'll be commuting back to campus to take a final exam and fulfill two more shifts at work, and then I'm FINALLY done with school! Beth is back in town for the next few days, too, which is awesome.

So...I'll be on the East Coast (in Princeton and NYC) for a week beginning next Sunday, and then I'll be living in Madison, WI for most of the summer with Avi. My address there will be:

122 N. Bassett St, Madison 53703

For those of you who haven't been, Madison is AWESOME--so everybody should come visit.

I'll be working at a day camp sponsored by the Madison JCC until mid-August. After that, I'll either be moving back to my new apartment in Chicago or staying on in Madison, depending on what my job situation is like after the camp ends. My new apartment for next year is a 3-bedroom; my new roommate is Qian!

Oh, and I adopted a pair of chinchillas this past December...They're really cute...I thought I'd officially brag about them to anyone who hasn't been to my apartment and admired them yet.

awinedarksea @ 2006-10-25T15:11:00

2006-10-25T20:19:41Z

Today (October 25) is the national call-in day for the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act. As of right now, there are still 3 slaughterhouses operating in the US that produce meat for human consumption (much of this meat is exported to other countries, as there isn't a huge market for it in the US). This act, which has been approved by the House but still needs to be OK'd by the Senate, will ensure that the slaughterhouses are shut down.

The numbers for the Illinois senators are as follows:

Dick Durbin: (202) 224-2152

Barack Obama: (202) 224-2854

For anyone not from Illinois interested in calling in, the number for the Congressional switchboard is (202) 224-3121. Or you can look up your senator's specific number at the HSUS website. The HSUS is also trying to keep track of how many people are calling in, so if you have enough time to go to the website and let them know that you've called, that'd be great (but it's not necessary per se).

awinedarksea @ 2006-09-29T23:53:00

2006-09-30T05:28:26Z

"According to the great Stoic philosopher Epictetus (AD 50-120) one of life's greatest values is contentment, a life of tranquility, serenity, and composure. There is nothing worth becomng disturbed about...Peace of soul is gained through self-mastery, which is the ability to harness one's desires, commanding them instead of allowing them to rule. To permit another person to disturb your mental equilibrium is to offer yourself in slavery to him, or even worse, because a slave is one in body only, whereas you have made your soul servile to him. Any person capable of angering you becomes your master...In order to become free it is necessary to...extinguish your desire for all things...Stoic philosophy emphasizes...that an individuals' will must be kept inviolable and autonomous; it must be his own, never subjected ot control by others. No one has power over a person's will unless he consents, which he should never do but rather should remain an independent and thus invincible spirit."

--From Ideas of the Great Philosophers (William S. and Mabel Lewis Sahakian, Barnes and Noble Books, 1966).

Hmmm...I must admit that most of my life I have tried to live by this philosophy, tried to embody the Stoic ideal. I'm not sure doing so has brought me "serenity," however. That's probably my own fault, though. Not demonstrating that a person has disrupted my "equilibrium" is one thing; genuinely not allowing them to do so in the first place is quite another. So this whole time I was attempting to be strong by HIDING my emotions, I was in actuality embodying servility because I allowed my feelings to be altered in the first place. Great.

awinedarksea @ 2006-09-08T20:56:00

2006-09-09T02:00:46Z

Tentative classes for this quarter:

-HISTORY OF MODERN SPAIN
-CREATIVE COUPLES AND COLLABORATION IN 20TH CENTURY ITALY
-PROBLEMS IN THE STUDY OF SEXUALITY(Presumably enlightening but redundant required course for my major that interfered with my taking a class at the law school on the regulation of sexuality for the second quarter in a row--rah!!)
-HISTORY AND THE RUSSIAN NOVEL
-THE REPRESENTATION OF JESUS IN MODERN JEWISH LITERATURE (I can't decide if I want to audit this class or the above class)

awinedarksea @ 2006-09-07T22:36:00

2006-09-08T03:38:14Z

University Theater's "Strindberg: One on One" Audition Side

Strindberg’s THE STRONGER: Female Monologue

MME. X:

Hush, you needn't speak--I understand it all! Now all the accounts balance. That's the reason I had to embroider tulips--which I hate--on his slippers, because you are fond of tulips; that's why we go to Lake Molarn in the summer, because you don't like salt water; that's why my boy is named Eskil--because it's your father's name; that's why I wear your colors, read your authors, eat your favorite dishes, drink your drinks--oh--my God--it's terrible. Everything, everything came from you to me, even your passions. Your soul crept into mine, like a worm into an apple. I wanted to get away from you, but I couldn't. I hate you, hate you, hate you! [a pause] I pity you, nevertheless, because I know you are unhappy. Yes, all that with Bob doesn't trouble me. What is that to me, after all? And what difference does it make whether I learned to drink chocolate from you or some one else. And if you taught me how to dress--tant mieux!--that has only made me more attractive to my husband; so you lost and I won there.

Hmmm...I am tempted to try out for this role. I'm not sure I want to be on stage, though--I hate the feeling of being on display. I'd probably be more suited to film productions. Assuming that I have any acting ability at all...

http://www.thelivemusicreport.com/theatre/fringe05/theStronger.html:

It's Christmas Eve, and a woman meets a female friend by chance in a café. Through the course of their meeting, the woman discovers that her friend is mistress to her husband.

Is the woman stronger if she speaks? Or is she a stronger person if she remains silent? What makes the wife different from the mistress?

awinedarksea @ 2006-08-20T00:05:00

2006-08-20T05:09:26Z

I just cried during Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. God DAMN it.
This is worse than the infamous Notebook incident. I mean, for God's sake, at least someone DIED in THAT movie.

awinedarksea @ 2006-08-03T01:52:00

2006-08-03T06:56:35Z

"He found something that he wanted, had always wanted and always would want--not to be admired, as he had feared; not to be loved, as he had made himself believe; but to be necessary to people, to be indispensable; he remembered the sense of security he had found in Burne."

~This Side of Paradise ("The Egotist Becomes a Personage")

awinedarksea @ 2006-08-01T23:45:00

2006-08-01T23:48:39Z

Someday I will be able to discern the fine line between intuition and illusion--and between what is rational and what is rationalization.

Yay grandiloquent alliteration.

awinedarksea @ 2006-06-20T22:07:00

2006-06-21T03:23:46Z

I'm so excited for this week. Tomorrow morning I'm going to an environmental press conference with 2 other people from my office, and then after canvassing we're leaving to go to the state capital for some major lobbying action and more canvassing. I get back Saturday evening. I actually canvassed a state legislator today and we might go visit him at his office some time this week.

There'll be a press release about our trip to Springfield, so we might be on TV. I think the director hired me for the position because I was "articulate" in the interview, but I'm pretty certain I'd get uber-tongue-tied if I had to say anything on TV. Plus I don't want to actually have to worry about not looking crappy. So I'm divided between wanting the press to give us a lot of attention and wanting to shy away. Maybe I can just hide behind Laura.

The only sucky thing about the trip is the fact that now I won't be able to hang out with Maya before she leaves for Berkeley. :(

I'm also working on a letter-writing campaign--we're trying to get at least 12 letters published nationwide by the end of the summer. Coincidentally, one of the people I signed up yesterday actually directed me to a website that lets you download a program that allows you e-mail a letter simultaneously to 300 editors of newspapers nationwide, which should be a huge help.

So basically I actually like my job, but I still don't know if I can stick with it. I'm just not pulling in enough $, especially when you factor in transportation costs. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit, but I don't think I can find or manage to work an additional evening job. I already work 48 hours a week as it is. I've put in my application to Connie's (waitressing job) and a Sears phone bank that makes delivery calls. At least that way I wouldn't have to worry about transportation $ and could count on $8-9/hr. minimum. I might not be able to get as many hours, though, especially at Connie's. It's just a huge mess.

I guess if I get really desperate I can donate eggs ($5000). But I dunno. I dunno if it would bother me or not knowing that I had a kid out there somewhere that I knew nothing about. I mean, I might feel responsible for the kid's well-being in some way. Plus taking huge-ass injections on a daily basis and turning into a cranky bitch probably wouldn't decrease my stress level much. Blah.

On a completely unrelated topic, HAS ANYONE SEEN MULHOLLAND DRIVE? CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN IT? Tom and I watched it last night and could make absolutely no sense of it.

Conversation from today:

Maya: YOU were never any one's bitch.

Me: No, I was EVERYone's bitch.

Maya: HAHAHA. True.

WORST DAY EVER...KILL ME NOW...I HATE METRA

2006-06-16T04:55:02Z

So...this morning the 7:00 train was delayed for absolutely no good reason by a half hour. I then had to spend all my $ on cab fair after getting into Union Station in a vain attempt to make up for lost time and arrive on time for my first day of work. Which means, no $ for lunch. Wonderful. But I think to myself, whatever, I'll be home by 7.

But Metra wasn't done with me yet. Oh no. Due to some jackass spilling hazardous chemicals all over several miles of track, no trains were going to Naperville. I then vainly tried to get within a few towns of Naperville on a different train line, only to have the train turn back and return to Union Station after they discovered that said line was affected by said stupid jackass as well. I then have to go to a different train station, board yet a different line, and stand for 2 more hours (as if standing on the streets of Chicago in the stifling heat for 8 hours wasn't bad enough) in an overcrowded train BEING SUFFOCATED IN THE ARMPIT OF SOME SMELLY OLD DRUNK MAN, who then proceeded to grab my ass on my way out. FUCKTARD. I wanted to stomp his balls, but I was so exhausted I didn't even turn around.

Meanwhile, my phone had gone dead before I could tell my mom what time to pick me up, so I had to wait another half hour before she picked me up in Wheaton. Bottom line: it was 10:45 before I got home.

So basically I was forced to go without food and hardly any water for over 36 hours due to fucking Metra.

Which wouldn't be so bad, except that I was already freaking out enough over my job. Did I mention that I have no job security and can get fired any time I drop below a certain weekly quota? That's real comforting. Half the people quit or are fired within their first 3 days. The first 3 days are the worst because you have daily quotas--ie. no chances to average bad days with good--and they're what determines whether or not you get on staff or not. Even more comforting. I'm not bad at canvassing, so I don't think I'm in danger of getting canned, but since base pay is so low I don't know if I can earn as much as I need to. It's so variable--I mean a certain degree of luck is always involved and my luck ain't so good. Maybe coordinators get paid more, assuming I stay on staff long enough to become one. The one nice thing I guess is that I can work 7 days a week if I choose to, so at least I can get pay by sheer number of hours worked. AND MIA WORKS THERE, WHICH I TOTALLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT UNTIL TODAY. Actually, everyone seems pretty cool. And there are hot lesbians, so maybe I should just quit my bitchin'.

So...for those friends who were wondering whether the office is still hiring, the answer is that they are. But you should take all the stuff outlined above into consideration. I would probably recommend just trying the job for 3 days and seeing if you can get on staff and if you like and are good at canvassing.

I dunno, I'm really excited about my job, but I'm also really scared. What the hell happens if I have a bad couple of days and lose my job? It's too late to find a decent job if I get shitcanned. And I need rent $ and tuition $. Maybe I should start looking for a back-up job or even a different job period. But the thing is I wanted to do something I actually cared about. Maybe no job security is the trade-off for actually caring about what you're doing. I dunno. WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE WORRIED ABOUT THIS? It seems everyone else on the campaign are all trust-fund hippies and can just mooch of of their folks. They all spend half the $ they earn on going out to eat after work. I don't get it.

I'm thinking about interviewing with the Democratic party and/or Lover's Lane just in case. According to my sister, DURING THE INTERVIEW THEY ASK YOU WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ORGASM. I don't know how to respond to that question, so maybe I should just avoid an agonizing interview in the first place.

But then again hustling dildos and hustling for an environmental organization both teach useful social skills...

awinedarksea @ 2006-06-01T21:48:00

2006-06-02T03:12:30Z

So, for everyone who's been asking, my new address in Naperville is as follows:

1531 Raymond Drive #103
Naperville, IL 60563

The apartment is right across the street from McDowell Woods and not far from Cantera. My mom has promised to actually let me have people over (and has also promised to buy a pull-out couch for the purpose of sleepovers--yay), which means no more "aura of mystery" surrounding the Schumann household (though I might actually miss having friends sneak in through my window in the middle of the night). :)

We will probably be moving on the 17th. I will also be moving my stuff that day into my new apartment in Hyde Park, the address of which is:

5332 Greenwood Avenue, Apt. 1A
Chicago, IL 60637

I feel weird moving into the Greenwood Ave. place--it's arguably nicer than any of the places my family has lived for the past 10 years...not quite as posh as Steiner's (and no view of the lake), but pretty damn nice. It feels too "hoity-toity" for a Schumann (Maya, I know you will probably laugh at this statement when you read it).

So...all this is very strange. In a little more than a week, my life will be completely different. Within a period of a few days, I will have a new job, a new family home, and my own apartment (though I won't be living in it much until the fall). I think the change might actually do me some good, though.

Being and Nothingness

2006-05-25T07:37:59Z

Tonight one of my friends said something...did something...that cut me to the quick. And the coward that I am, what do I do? I say nothing, do nothing. I promptly, at 1:00 am, walk to Walgreens, buy a pack of Camel Turkish Golds (they aren't after all, classy enough to carry Djarum Blacks), and proceed to smoke half the pack. My roommate observes this and narrows her condescending eyes at me. She has a pretty good idea what's up...I am a creature of habit, after all.

So I walk the streets of Hyde Park. There's no one out except beggars. Along the way I run into two, one of whom is dying of AIDS, and smoke a few with him (after all, he's dying anyway, there's no guilt in giving him a few). The beggars in Hyde Park are really the best in Chicago.

I smoke until I can't walk straight, until all the thoughts of more harmful forms of masochism leave my head (these I shan't admit), until I feel as if I am going to melt into the pavement like the nothingness that I aspire to be. I smoke until the blood drains from my extremities and I'm shivering and my hands shake and I feel as if I'm going to pass out or throw up... And then I smoke some more...Numbness...The purging of everything. I transcend what others inflict on me.

I realize this is a rejection of my so-called existential philosophy. Or is it? We are all "terrifyingly free, terrifyingly alone, terrifyingly responsible." We're supposed to transcend all this by...by what? Making choices, the right? choices. DOING something? Well, this is my choice...without anguish (or with it?)...my strange path to transcendence and heightened awareness, however pathetic. This is how I transcend the shitiness--by making my pain all my own...No one can touch me. There is a strange empowerment in all this. I defile my being before others can.

The reclamation of self...or the fleeing from oneself and from the Other and everything? I don't know. I don't care anymore

In two weeks I will be back home. I can run to Maya's house in the middle of the night for comfort...gossip with her mom about boys. Sneak into Tom's back yard and motion for him to come out and then...and then...

I fail in that role and come back
For the night, even if it wanted to, cannot hide its stars,
nor can the sea, even if it wanted to,
hide its ships
~Qabbani

awinedarksea @ 2006-04-24T02:32:00

2006-04-24T08:09:39Z

People have complained that I haven't updated in months so I feel obligated to write something. So here's a general synopsis of my life for the past quarter:

Classes:
I'm taking Self, Culture, and Society with Jeff Bennet again. We're studying Freud (the more I study him, the more I come to the conclusion that he's fairly brilliant, although his views on women are hopelessly contradictory and confused--he himself admitted as much), Fanon, de Beauvoir, etc. Reading Foucault's Discipline and Punish last quarter was amazing--I seem to apply his concept of the panopticon to everything now. I'm also taking Gender and Love in Middle Eastern Literature, Shamans and Epic Poets of Central Asia, and US Women's History, all of which are pretty good.

I haven't done a whole lot in terms of extracurriculars. I'm peripherally involved in a community puppetry project. I would have liked to play a larger role in it, but my schedule doesn't mesh with anyone else's and so it's difficult to take a more active part in most of the work. We're working with kids from Hyde Park Academy (a high school on the South Side) in producing a show parodying the parallels between gang violence and corporate America. Working with kids from the Academy made me realize howe sheltered I was growing up. It never ceases to amaze me how these kids deal with everything around them--how sometimes laughing off the violence in the community is the only viable self-defense mechanism available to them, how they all have these incredible aspirations even though their parents (and the world) don't expect anything of them, how incredibly funny and articulate they all are even though they're so young.

I'm reluctant to work at the shelter because I know I'll run into Joel and I don't know what to say to him. He's really nice, but he's said some fairly creepy things to me on the phone when he was drunk. Maybe he was just being honest in a way most people can't. He actually went to Hyde Park Academy for high school. He grew up on 63rd (only 3 blocks south of campus) when it was a much worse area than it is today. It's weird to think that a completely different world exists just a few blocks from where I live. You go from ivory towers and Gothic architecture and sheltered middle-class white kids to an area that 99.99% black (well, that's the make-up of the high school--there's a small community of Koreans as well). And it seems like there's all this energy invested in keeping the two worlds apart--so apart you don't even realize that there's a universe outside the pristine face of the University. And people told me Hyde Park was diverse when really it's just segregated. None of us ever go past the Midway. I wouldn't even have realized if I hadn't met Joel and visited him and heard his life story. And then I went to a party with him last quarter and I saw his mom smoking pot and getting drunk and rowdy at his graduation party and...wow. I can't complain about my life when she sent him out on the streets to sell drugs at age 9 and he watched his 12-year-old brother get shot and killed.

Anyway, it's late and I'm just turning things around in my mind. On a completely different note, I got a summer job as a canvasser and campaign coordinator for Illinois PIRG, a campaign for the environment. I'm really, really excited about the work I'll be doing and the people I'll be doing it with. The PIRG office is in the South Loop, but I don't feel like paying rent on the apartment I just got and so I will be staying in Naperville and the boyfriend of the girl with whom I will be sharing the apartment (Rachel) will be living in my room and paying my portion of the rent.

My "personal life" has been...not that interesting, at least for the majority of the last few months. I dated a 3rd year for 8 weeks, but we broke up. It was a weird relationship. I keep running into him EVERYWHERE on campus and at every party I go to and it's just really awkward because I don't know what to say to him. I'm not upset with him or anything, but I just frankly don't know why I ever went out with him...I don't know if he's the type of person I could even be friends with. Rah. Dating weird older guys seems to have been my life theme this year. I'm surprised I haven't dated any women yet on campus...I don't know why I haven't really. Ali would be happy to know, though, that I seem to have caused a minor scandal in my dorm by making out with my suitemate. There are other events which I could write about, but I think I will reserve them for my private journal...

I also accomplished one of my life goals over spring break--I went to NYC. I stayed with my friend Laura who lives in the Hudson River Valley (gorgeous area, btw, especially during "magic hour" between 4 and 5 in the afternoon during the late winter/early spring). We went into the city for a few days and visited Little Italy, Chinatown, the Bowery (and CBGB--sadly only a mere shadow of what it once was), Battery Park, the Metropolitan Museum of Art (totally amazing, with a very impressive collection of Degas), the Guggenheim, Times Square (too commercial), Soho (too commercial), and East, West, and Greenwich Villages. We also visited a few nice towns in the Valley, my favorite being New Paltz, a charming little hippie town with awesome stores--it reminded me of a quieter, less commercialized version of State Street in Madison. Laura had the most incredibly warm and cozy home in the world--I was so jealous. Her home life appeared so idyllic that it seemed too good to be true. But everything indicated that it's always that way--everyone getting along, not always in a rush. I loved her family--she had the most adorable brother who couldn't wait to show off his newly grown facial hair to her. Her dad was this laid-back teddy bear and her mom doted on me constantly and is the cutest little Jewish mother in the world.

I became vegetarian about two weeks ago. I am searching for religion and haven't settled on a particular faith yet. I have considered Quakerism, Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, and various beliefs expressed in various Native American tribes. Maybe I just don't like the idea of organized religion. I can't decide.

Blah.

awinedarksea @ 2006-01-16T01:30:00

2006-01-16T07:51:22Z

Update of Recent Events:

1.) Thursday night I went to a club w/ Angel and Hector that was absolutely awesome--sort of the epicenter of the queer Latin American subculture in Chicago

2.) Friday was the Polar Bear Run (a proud U of C tradition), in which about 70 students ran naked through the quad, which was lined with cheering (and laughing) observers. The event was featured on the news, so of course my mom questioned me at length about it (she had a rather morbid interest as to whether or not I had had time to engage in a comparative analysis of the size of the men's genitalia--clearly she ain't gettin' none from my dad...hahaha)...Thank God I was only an observer--I would never have heard the end of it had I actually been among those running butt-naked in the bitter cold...

3.) I miraculously got into all the classes I wanted:
a.) Self, Culture, and Society with the awesome Jeff Bennett, who gave a fascinating lecture the other day on Durkheim and the "totemism" of the bourgeoisie...
b.) Postwar American Culture with the very eminent George Chauncey (Basically, I did everything short of getting down on my hands and knees, wrapping myself around his legs, and begging to get into the class...I absolutely worship the ground he walks on...BTW, anyone interested in queer/gender studies should read the introduction to Gay New York, or really anything by Chauncey--words cannot describe how amazing he is...)
c.) Genocide of the European Jews--a rather depressing class, with up to 200 pages per class period on the Holocaust...but the professor presents very good lectures and is very well regarded within the academic community
d.) World Literature with Myles Chilton...Reading Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morals has just augmented my like for the class considerably, as I am now presented with ample opportunities to write in the margins of the work things like, "Nietzsche, you anti-Semitic fucker" or "After reading this section, I have come to the conclusion that NIETZSCHE IS A DELUSIONAL WANKER!!!"

Yes, it would seem that you know that your existence is pathetic when your main source of joy in life is writing snide remarks about dead men in the margins of your texts...

Oh, and I got a second job working at the Telefund--basically calling up U of C alumni and asking them for $...what tells me I won't be any good at this job?

Oh My!! I've never seen a penis from quite that angle before!

2005-12-06T04:16:46Z

This past weekend I waited tables for the dinner-and-play production of man=MAN. I think I was the only one there who didn't know there was public nudity involved...It certainly wasn't in rehearsal.

Jeremy Cohen's sister cried due to the trauma of having to see her older brother naked for an extended period of time. His father then sent him a stern and very dramatic letter to chastise him. I'll post it later if I ever get around to having him send it to me.

awinedarksea @ 2005-11-07T21:01:00

2005-11-08T03:21:24Z

12 THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (10 was too generic a number):

1.) Hugs, kisses, and cuddling from Angel
2.) My roommate and her hubbie, whose collective cuteness is almost too much to handle
3.) Kellog's Pops, California rolls, and spumoni for lunch
4.) Leanna and/or Alex DePriest coming home after a long night of drunken partying (What? Harry Potter?)
5.) Singing "To Oregon" while "slightly" inebriated...and drunk dialing people
6.) Forging indelible bonds w/ Hector and Angel by spending a night taking care of guests...
7.) Any sort of correspondence and/or visits from my homies (ie. Tom and Lauren staying over in my dorm...and Elizabeth's brief albeit awesome visit...and dinner w/ Dima...and Maya's thoughtful Facebook messages) :)
8.) Marie Penner-Hahn's absolute reliability in providing entertainment at theater parties
9.) Ali scaring my parents by being unashamedly frank about her lesbianism
10.) My mom's message on my voicemail in which she took pains to inquire in a discreet and roundabout way whether Naked Theater was called such because we perform in the nude
11.) Joe Mulligan's appreciation of my sense of humor...and our recent dinners together...and sharing ice cream (in a word: Joe)
12.) Watching "Eating Out" with Eric and Qian

Without these things, my quality of life would be seriously undermined...

OH LITTLE MEXICO

2005-10-04T02:56:51Z

This past Sunday was rather interesting. I went to Little Village (aka "Little Mexico," which is apparently adjacent to Pilsen) for a job interview. On the way, I got accosted by a man in his 30s, who interrupted my reading of "Prostitution and Victorian Society" in order to hit on me in a creepy (albeit admittedly amiable) manner. I didn't know what to do, so I acquiesced to writing down his phone #. I hope I don't run into him again next time I ride the bus down there.

After touring the spay/neuter clinic at which I was interviewing, I proceeded to walk across the street in search of a bite to eat. Nobody in the restaurant spoke English. I must say that I feel betrayed by my education in the Spanish language. I don't know how to say anything essential. For example, knowing how to ask whether or not they accept credit cards would have been just a little helpful.

Apparently, someone from the corner of the room arranged for me to be serenaded. One of the musicians pointed to the back of the room, but he was speaking so quickly I could barely understand two words. Nor was I tall enough to be able to see to the back of the restaurant in order to catch a glimpse of whomever he was talking about. Maybe it was the guy who sat across from me later and tried to strike up a conversation. I was on the phone at the time, however, and he apparently thought I was just blowing him off because he got a hurt expression on his face and left. I was rather disappointed that he left--he was rather cute.

I like the street vendors in the area. And the little boys who go around selling Mexican chewing gum. That was yummy.

Sherri, my manager at ADOPT, came to visit me! Exciting. She did have some bad news, though. She told me that Sky, the bulldog with explosive diarrhea, passed away this past Wednesday. That was extremely sad. Although I resented the dog at first due to the fact that I had to clean up after her like 10 times a day (literally), I came to really like her. She was one of my favorite dogs by the end of the summer. :(

I'm really enjoying my classes. The end.

I WANT MY DOGGIE

2005-10-01T20:42:22Z

AND...The spell is broken. Fuck my irrational need for unconditional love. I hate myself. The same sad story repeated a thousand times.

I knew this would happen, of course. Naturally. Let's see how long this funk lasts. I want my doggie. I am so damn fragile.

awinedarksea @ 2005-09-27T15:25:00

2005-09-27T20:36:36Z

I am sooooooooo excited about my classes. They are as follows:

1.) The Biology of Gender (TTh 9:00 AM - 10:20 AM)
2.) Queer Life and Politics of 20th Century Europe (TTh 1:30 PM - 2:50 PM)
3.) Readings in World Literature (MW 1:30 PM - 2:50 PM)
4.) Self, Culture, and Society (MW 7:00 PM - 8:20 PM)

Yay for having Fridays off from classes to work.

I am especially excited about Queer Life and Politics of 20th Century Europe, although I'm the only 1st year in that class. The prof is amazing, and what we're studying is so groundbreaking, since the "queer history" of Europe is only now being written. Gender studies as a recognized area of specialization is only now taking hold in much of Europe. In America, women's/gender studies departments have been institutionalized within academia since the 1970s.

I never have to take another fucking math class for the rest of my life!!! HOORAH. I will, however, be buried in reading for the rest of my academic existence.

On a less happy note, my bike was stolen within 2 days of my arrival on campus. I knew that something bad was bound to happen to balance out all the good...

SWEET!!

2005-09-19T14:26:34Z

Oh man. The University of Chicago is the shit. THE SHIT! Everything is so awesome. I love my roommate, I love my suitemates, I love my neighbors, I love EVERYONE. And the boys are HOT. RRRRRRRRRRROW. ;)

Yesterday we went out on the Seadog (speed boat) on Navy Pier and then headed to Cafe Iberico, an awesome Spanish tapas restaurant, and then played red rover and freeze tag in the quad. Today I have a job interview, so hopefully that goes well. :)

I love city life!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG

2005-09-13T02:47:33Z

Sunday was so awesome. Sherri, my manager at the shelter, threw me a surprise party since I'm leaving for college. (I'll probably still work at ADOPT, but only during holiday breaks). She got me a card and a cake and a Barnes and Noble gift card. It turns out the card is for $300!!! THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I can't believe it. That'll cover over half of my textbooks for fall quarter. I'm flabbergasted. I don't know what to do or say. How can I ever thank her!?

God, I'm gonna miss that place so much. The work is hard, but the people are so amazingly wonderful and devoted to the cause. And of course I love the dogs. I've been so lucky...

Jerry got me these ADOPT t-shirts as well, with sayings like "Please don't litter. Fix your critter!"

awinedarksea @ 2005-09-10T20:04:00

2005-09-11T01:37:35Z

So yeah...it's been a while since I've updated. I've been so busy these past few weeks that I haven't had time to eat or even sleep. It's been hellish working upwards of 50 hours a week while getting all the crap I need for college AND sorting out college finances AND trying to find a new job (which has involved several trips to Hyde Park, filling out job apps, revising my resume, scheduling interviews, etc., etc.). A lot of stuff I need for college I either have never had or have shared w/ Liz and now have to replace. The good news is that I've lost 10 lbs. The bad news is that now my new clothes are too big. Damn it.

A list of the jobs I've applied for:

1.) After-hours security monitor at a music hall on campus (Good pay, close to my dorm, have an interview set for the 19th.)

2.) Animal clinic in Hyde Park (They seemed happy w/ my qualifications, but I'm not sure if they're actually hiring at the moment...)

3.) PAWS (Pets are Worth Saving)--Animal shelter and spay/neuter clinic in Chicago. I'd have to take the bus to work, but the pay is great and I'd be doing basically the same thing I do now. As they reported in the Trib, the shelter just rescued 200 animals displaced by Katrina. :)

4.) Ramada Inn on Lakeshore

5.) 2 Hyde Park bookstores (One's an antiquarian dealer, both have awesome atmospheres...)

6.) Visitor control attendant at the athletic center (Now THERE'S an easy job...)

Alas, the job at the University bookstore didn't work out, which means I'll miss out on the 20% discount on textbooks and 35% discount on other U of C merchandise. Oh well. They wanted me to start training this week and I couldn't. Rar.

Other things to report:

--My sister's rabbit was really sick yesterday. :( I thought we were going to have to euthanize her, but she seems to be doing better. We'll continue to care for her for as long as she's comfortable...

--Everyone must go to Tango in downtown Naperville! Awesome Argentine restaurant w/ great music and even greater food. Their flan is to die for.

--I've watched a few good movies lately. But I'm a Cheerleader! and In America come to mind. LAUREN, I'll never forget that look on your dad's face during that one scene...lol...And thanks to LAUREN F. for the movie recommendation.

--The girls made a rather disastrous trip to Chicago, but in the end all was well. I've never laughed so hard as when we were in the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts at 5:30 a.m. (proving, once again, that I am the absolute indisputable QUEEN of drive-thrus). And of course racing through the aisles of Jewel w/ LOLA in a desperate search for food was priceless...

--Some creepy guy suffering from an apparent drowning fetish payed me $15 to completely submerge myself in a fountain on the Riverwalk...

--I finally can OFFICIALLY drive to Chicago via the highway. Actually, it's become a necessity of late, what with all the trips to U of C and all. I love Chicago. I love Hyde Park! U of C is beautiful! I can't wait to move in next week!!!Everyone come and visit me sometime and admire the university's Gothic architecture! Even the beggars in Hyde Park are courteous...lol. And I know the Hyde Park area fairly well (yes, I can even find my way there via car!), so I won't be getting anyone lost.

--Yay for research studies. I got myself into this study @ Northwestern Memorial downtown and get paid $125 next Friday. WOOT. If I continue with the study, I can earn almost $700 in the next year.

--I met an awesome, somewhat flamboyantly gay Latin guy on Facebook. He'll be living in my dorm and hopefully will let me be his fag hag. We're planning to go clubbing in Chicago. And of course there's Boystown...

--I got lost on the south side (damn Mapquest directions were COMPLETELY wrong!!) in some GHETTO neighborhood and a really HOT policeman spent a suspicious amount of time helping me find my way to The Green Mill to meet up with Maya and Liz. The Green Mill thing didn't work out, but we did get some kick-ass smoothies in Boystown and some good Chinese food...

--I got some incense and sage leaves for my dorm room today. The purchase made me quite pleased.

--MAYA, your CD mix is the shit! So is the BUllSHit sticker. And of course the fruit snacks were much appreciated, along with the "Alex, you can do it, there's nothing to it!" quip. Thank you SOOOOO much.

OK, I think that's about it. I MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH. I want to hang out with those of you who are still in Naperville before I leave, so give me a call!!

Speaking of which, I FINALLY GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. THE NEW # IS (630) 335-9263. I probably won't have a groundline in college, SO THAT NUMBER WILL BE THE ONLY ONE AT WHICH YOU WILL BE ABLE TO REACH ME!

awinedarksea @ 2005-07-22T21:21:00

2005-07-23T02:19:54Z

Yep. Guess the horseback riding thing never materialized. I had a sucky ortho appt. and Dr. Liedke was irritated with me because he had to fix my retainer. Apparently it got bent all to hell when it fell out of its case in my backpack and I kinda forget to take it out for the past 6 months. He then proceeded to go on a crazy rant about how my retainer was like the Sistine Chapel and he was, of course, Michelangelo. Weird. I notified him that I'm not into wearing my retainer, so he should give up any hope/expectation of my doing so. Then I had lunch date with my mom and Dan (I can't believe she actually got over her social anxiety thing enough to talk to him!) and bought that philosophy book I've been eyeing @ Barnes and Noble.

I then, of course, had the best of intentions to actually follow through on the horseback riding thing, but got engrossed in Madame Bovary and selecting my U. of C. courses for the next four years (haha). Then I wound up falling asleep for about 5 hrs. Work has been so utterly exhausting lately. So damn monotonous. And sad. My favorite puppy is sick and Sunshine had to be euthanized. She seemed normal when she came in. Then comes my day off and suddenly she's deathly ill with parvo. I would never have suspected.

Last night, Mr. Yabumoto helped me pick out my computer. I have yet to actually order it, though. Your dad's actually a pretty good guy, Maya. He patiently explained to me all this computer shit I had no clue about.

Joy Yee's green tea freeze sucked ass. I'm so pissed!

I have to stop eating. These food comas are getting ridiculous.

Sorry for making you deathly ill Tuesday night, Maya. Hahaha.

Volleyball was the shit. Kayaking was...peaceful.

I feel out of the loop. :( People have forgotten about me. Blah.

awinedarksea @ 2005-07-15T22:34:00

2005-07-16T04:07:22Z

Today was AMAZING! Possibly the best fucking hour of my life jetskiing. And that canyon was pretty awesome--definitely a welcome respite from the heat. Sorry for subjecting you to that excruciating hike, Maya.

Not even the food coma that I'm suffering from (definitely the worst of my entire life) and the payment fiasco tonight at dinner can ruin my good mood. We definitely need to go on more awesome adventures this summer...although I don't know how I would finance such expeditions.

Other highlights of the past few weeks:

--Movies @ Scott's (some bad, some good)

--Boystown (aka "Madison for Queers")--sweet shoe/clothing shops, sex shops (scary GIANT dildos), good food, awesome poster shop that proved I was in heaven (posters of Johnny Depp, "The Kiss," and Angelina Jolie in a revealing shirt (cough) in the front window), tauntingly cute boys, Lauren's HILARIOUS jokes about cat litter and dogs in refrigerators and what not

--SWEET (albeit brief) moped ride

--Euro Trip, baby! Thanks, Emrie.

--Managing to make it to work on time despite...yeah.

--Origins of Metaphysics

--Chinatown

--Joy Yee's and green tea freeze bubble tea (too many balls, though...choke!)

--Maya's becoming a Jamba Juice legend

--Hanging out w/ Tom and Kevin Lewis

--Finally bringing good friends out to dinner

Of course, there's been some other shit going on lately, too--a lot of stuff that got blown way out of proportion, some stuff that I would never have predicted, would never have believed could happen. I dunno. I'll probably look back on all of it years from now and laugh (T-H-O-M!, my great imitations of him, my craving for pasta, memories of Maya thinking she was gonna die, "I feel uncoordinated/ Do YOU feel uncoordinated?"). I don't know what to think of the decisions I've made. I view the incidents that occurred as just that--incidents that occurred. I don't attach any particular feelings to them. I don't believe them to be of any long-term consequence. I can't guarantee that I won't ever repeat those activities, but they definitely won't constitute a significant part of my life. Isn't it strange how some people come into your life, wreck everything, and then make a quick exit? Not that he's a bad guy--I'm sure that he views his "philanthropic" activities as generosity. I'm not going to waste my time analyzing this.

We didn't notice until too late...but she's so uncoordinated anyway...haha.

To Do List (aka Bring on the Clean Fun):

--More watersports! (jetskiing, waterskiing, canoing, whitewater rafting, wakeboarding, etc.)

--Horseback riding

--Bungee jumping?

--Another moped ride?

--Great America

--Dells/Lake Geneva?

--Madison again?

--Read more (How am I going to find the time for everything???????)

--Find out how the HELL my mom found out about the O'Hare trip

--Shopping for college!

SO Much Going On

2005-06-24T07:01:59Z

Wow, so much socializing the last few weeks. LOTS of parties. A few highlights:

-Beth's awesome Eeyore card
-Tons of volleyball and frisbee (including glow-in-the-dark frisbee) and soccer
-A very dangerous tree swing of sorts
-Dragracing JT to Starbuck's
-Dan trying to fit in my car
-Going to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with a new friend
-Having 2/3 of an orgasm looking at Angelina Jolie in the film
-Celebrating Thurston's birthday at Dunkin' Donuts...yay candle-in-a-donut!
-Obtaining uber-nasty callused fingertips from work
-Tarot cards with my mom
-Getting pissed off at people for judging me
-Scary needles @ the doctor's...my arm is STILL bruised
-Ben Feldman
-Tom's videos (Tom, you looked SO hot...and I loved you as Sporty Spice...MEOW)
-"Greg is kinda cute..." - while Maya is pouring her heart out too me...damn ADD
-White Castle with Maya...YEAH! I am the drive-through QUEEN!
-Wasting WAAAAAAAAY too much time on Facebook
-Opening up my own checking account (all grown up...)
-Fight to the death over the roses on Joyce's cake
-Joyce breaking her pinata...and the little boy wearing it as a hat afterward
-Lap dance with Lauren (rrrrrrow)
-Faux pas (what is the plural form???)
-Meeting John (Lola, he is sooooo nice!)
-Animal House w/ Scott

So much to do this weekend...4 grad parties, Chinatown/Boystown if I actually wake up tomorrow, dropping Joyce off to the airport... :( It still seems so surreal that she's leaving.

I am beginning to realize that I FUNDAMENTALLY AM INCAPABLE OF A MEANINGFUL AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN. It's impossible to feel anything. Sometimes I think I put myself in situations where I know I'll be hurt just so I can feel...something...anything. I hate relationships because I always wind up feeling like such a bitch when people are so good to me and yet I feel nothing in return. It's not that I'm ingrateful. I dunno. I just can't relate to any sort of situation where I'm treated well. Not to get all Freudian (a lot of what Freud was bullshit--ie. penis envy? WTF?), but I do think that some of this has to do with my father. Blah.

And why do I feel the need for a permanent "guy stash?"